I lost my voice, I lost my desire to communicate, I lost the passion that I had for so many things that I once did in my life. People may look at those things or hear these words come out of my mouth and think that there is something wrong. At first I believed that there was something with me. Typically, when a person loses interest in things, withdraws from society, changes moods, etc, the next thing you hear is “so and so has lost it”, “why has so and so changed?”, “such a tragic end to such a promising life” or “he/she never showed that anything was wrong”. No need for alarm, this is not a cry for help. I have no desire or thoughts of harming myself or others.
I’m just going through some changes in life, everyone does. I am no longer the person that I was. I no longer do the things that I used to do. I no longer communicate how I used to communicate. There’s no underlying reason, nothing that I can pinpoint myself at least. I’m sure any number of people that have been a part of my life at some point could speculate on what has bought upon this change, but that’s about all it would amount to, pure speculation. I’m just trying to make sense of it all.
What I’ve come to so far is that things are just the way they are. No big mystery, no ulterior motives. I’m trying to get along the best way I can. Something that I’ve always done but never seemed to fully appreciate or accept. For me, everything had an angle, everything had to follow some type of logic. But what I found lately is that some things just don’t make sense and that’s fine. Not everything needs to be announced or forecasted. Some things are better played close to the chest. I understand the risks involved with keeping it all in and not being able to communicate that to others. I used to be an open book. I used to have no problem with articulating how I feel. Now I’m indifferent.
Anyway, the show must go on. I still have responsibilities and obligations to meet. Still have a mortgage, a marriage and children. I have people that depend on me, so I have to continue to push somehow. I’m sure this too shall pass; this feeling of indifference.