I can literally summarize this blog by referencing one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. In the movie Pulp Fiction, Marsellus Wallace, played by Ving Rhames is speaking to Butch, played by Bruce Willis. During the course of their conversation, Marcellus explains to Butch how he wants him to throw the fight. He says “The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. F*** PRIDE. Pride only hurts, it never helps.”
In my opinion, those are some of the truest words ever spoken, even though it was in a movie. But the implications of that quote, the weight of those words resonate with me. Pride can sometimes serve as an inhibitor, meaning it may slow you down or interfere with your progression. We sometimes allow pride to pervade, or exist within our lives, in a way that can be detrimental to our being. There have been times in my life that I missed out on various opportunities because I was too proud to ask for help, or to admit my faults, or to accept responsibility, etc. I have been mulling over various topics and thinking about how exactly I wanted to start off my very first blog.
At first I was going to just play it safe and write a quick intro of myself, explaining who I am, where I came from, where I’m at in life, where I’m trying to go, etc. But I felt so compelled about this topic once it hit me. I mentioned previously that this is something that resonates with me because I have been on both sides of the issue. I have been the prideful person. I was that dude that you couldn’t tell a damn thing to, I was always right, everybody else was wrong. I didn’t need anyone to help me do s***. Very prideful, borderline narcissistic.
For those of you all that don’t know, my wife of the last five, going on six years, and I are ending our marriage. After much deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that it was pride that was at the core of our demise. There was a time when I didn’t speak too highly her. She was all types of the wrong woman, blankity, blank, sorry whatchamacallits, you name it, I probably called her that too.
But you know what, that was pride messing with me. That was pride telling me that I was the victim, that I did no wrong in my relationship. Pride wouldn’t allow me to see that it takes time for a relationship to progress. Pride wouldn’t allow me to admit that I was making mistakes or that I could’ve tried harder to communicate how I was feeling. Now don’t get it twisted, when things bothered me, I would let it be known, however, because I was so prideful and I was so full of my own negative energy, I didn’t convey that message in a tone that she could fully understand so that we can resolve any issues that we had.
I really didn’t want to get too personal or act is if I was airing out my dirt, but I felt like this was the only way I could explain my position and voice how I felt about pride and it’s place in relationships. There are some appropriate times when you may need to be prideful. Sometimes you may have to protect the dignity of your name, or the safety of your family. But honestly I don’t see many benefits of allowing pride to overcome an intimate relationship.
Nobody is above anything in a relationship. When two people come together in front of God and confess their love for each other, that means that the two of you are now one. Holy matrimony or any other loving relationship, can only be successful if the two individuals balance one another. Now, I’m not naive, I know that there will be issues that arise in a relationship and cause for the members to have to dig deep into that basket and come up with a solution for their problem.
But in the end, the issue was resolved because both parties showed humility and were able to come to a compromise. What good is it if one person in the relationship is making all the sacrifices and changes in the world, but the other hasn’t moved an inch? Not to say that this is what happened in my relationship, but I have seen it time and time again.
I wasn’t always such a positive, confident person. There was a time that I didn’t think too highly of myself, where I felt like my life was worthless. I had hit, or thought that I had hit the bottom quite a few times in the last couple of years. I still smiled on the surface, because I didn’t want anybody to know that I was going through. I turned to the bottle for my vice, I turned to other people for advice. All the while the people who I needed to speak to were right there in my home.
Even until the very end, pride wouldn’t allow for me to admit certain things. Now that I know there is nothing left to salvage, due to nobody’s fault but my own (apparently), I live alone. I mean, all isn’t lost in my life. I have two beautiful, intelligent, healthy little boys. I still love the woman that birthed my children and put up with me for the last seven years. I know somebody is going to ask, well, why don’t you work things out then? The short answer is we have, or at least, I have done all that I could do. It’s no longer up to me, I gave up my option. But it’s not too late for someone else out there that may be experiencing the same type of pain that we endured.
Anyway, like I said before, my intent was not to air out my dirty laundry. I know by reading this, that somebody may walk away feeling like what I typed was messed up or whatever but it don’t matter. I’m no better than anybody out here, I’m not afraid to share my pain, to tell my story, to try and inspire folk to live to their fullest.
I do and say all these things so hopefully you won’t have to. That is a part of our existence as humans. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has experienced many of the things in my life and I definitely won’t be the last. I don’t want to come off like I’m dismissing and minimizing the severity of some of these issues that people face, but the fact remains, you are not the only one. We can laugh together, cry together, smoke and drink together. But if you allow pride to get in the way of too much, you may never get to experience the joys that life may bring.
So my question to everybody is, do you consider yourself to be a prideful person? Have you ever experienced a situation in your life where pride played a factor, whether it was detrimental or profitable? This is the first post of many which I hope will serve to help us all understand each other a lot better. I don’t have all the answers, I may be wrong about 90% of the stuff that I wrote in this blog today, but you know what, based on my life experiences and the knowledge and wisdom that I have accrued over the years, I feel convicted enough in my feelings that I will come out and say how I feel. Now if new revelations begin surface, then I am humble enough to take a step back, reevaluate my position, acknowledge my shortcomings and keep it moving. But that’s a whole other topic.
As always, I’ll still luv ya tomorrow….