The State Of My Being

People get so worked up and worried about tomorrow that they fail to see what’s happening around them today; clouded by what was instead of basking in what is. Live for the moment; as long as you’re living it right, tomorrow will be just fine.

~ Bonebody

I woke up this morning with sort of an epiphany (well not so much an epiphany). You see, I’m what you can call a worrywart; worrying unduly about things, especially things that they may be beyond ones reach. I tend to allow my worries to effectively disable my ability to respond to normal stressors (generalized anxiety disorder). It doesn’t matter how big or small the issue; sometimes it might not even be an issue that has materialized or even exists in the physical realm. These things may in fact exist solely in my mind, however when the mind is overly stimulated the distinction between what is fact and what is fiction can seem a bit sordid, or quite fuzzy.

I digressed when I said that this was an epiphany; this was not some divine moment of revelation but more like an acceptance of my state of being. Day in and day out, I project an image of myself as someone that has it together; someone that utilizes rational thought and applies logic and reason to every situation that arises. Truth is I’m not as strong as I appear but I am not a “weak” individual loathing and waddling in a pool of self-pity. I’m not this highly intelligent or enlightened being void of emotion, but more like a common man with common issues.

It’s alright to worry; it’s alright to get a little anxious because anxiety is nothing more than our normal reaction to stress. It allows us to deal with tense situations, keep focused on a particular task; in other words it helps us cope with everyday living. However, when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday life, it can actually disable or impair a person’s ability to do much of anything. I have finally come to accept that my own excessive worrying may one day prove to be my Achilles’ heel.

Talking about ones condition is one thing; honestly it’s can be the first step towards recovery. But how do I effectively deal with it? That is my million dollar question. Although writing has been therapeutic in many ways, it is only a release of my thoughts; a treatment of the symptoms rather than a cure for the issue. So what do I do? I tend to focus on tomorrow because, in my mind, it looks so much better than today. But why tomorrow? Why can’t I just focus on today and leave tomorrow alone? Tomorrow is not even a guarantee, so why get all worked up about it? Why focus on something that hasn’t occurred when I have this very moment that I am actually in?

What I believe has happened with me is that I have been in constant reaction mode; jumping from situation to situation without any regard or without fully addressing or acknowledging what is happening and how it effects everything else around me. Not to say that I take anything in my life granted, because there is much that I am grateful for. I think part of my issue is that I don’t want to mess what it is that I have up. I have a great career, beautiful kids, a beautiful woman who I will be marrying soon. I don’t have anything to complain about in this life, but how do I keep it altogether? And so begins the descent down the rabbit hole; so begins the constant worrying of am I doing enough? Am I fully prepared? Do I have what it takes?

Part of it stems from a point in my life when nothing I did seemed good enough. No matter what I did, how great I thought I was doing, it seem to produce nothing; or at least that was the illusion that developed in my mind. In reality I was doing everything that I could consciously do. That seems to be where I’m stuck on right now. I’m so hell bent on trying not to have tomorrow look like yesterday that I’m failing to appreciate the gravity of today; clouded by what was rather than acknowledging what is. And as I mentioned before my kids, my love, my career, that defines “what is” for me. There really isn’t more to it. My struggle is that none of them are physically with me. I have to learn that just because they aren’t here doesn’t mean that I have to stop living. They have their lives too. I just want it all right now, but it’s not possible. No, right now I have a house to clean up, I have grass to cut and a life to live.

So why tomorrow? I can’t sit here waiting putting off things for tomorrow because it may never come to be. Why wait for tomorrow? While I’m sitting here thinking I can do all the stuff I put on tomorrow’s list, there may be more stuff that I have to do, effectively putting every thing else on hold. Don’t be consumed by what may never come. Don’t sit idly by and let the day pass thinking things will get better. Handle what you have to handle, do what you got to do, live it to the max but always keep it in perspective.

I’ll still luv ya tomorrow…..


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