The Urge To Purge….

A closed mouth may very well go hungry but one that remains open is liable to be full of things that it shouldn’t be. In the same vein, realize that should you remain silent and allow things to build up and fester, the pressure of that release may have some unintended consequences. ~ Bonebody

I wrote a blog a few months back about gossiping and people not being able to mind their business. Day in and day out, I see things, I hear things, but I just fall back. I try not to get myself involved in things that don’t concern me directly. Even if it does, I could honestly care less. I learned a long time ago that if you don’t want your personal business to be known then you don’t tell anybody about it, point blank. That even goes for people that call themselves “best friends”.

I had a few key people that I would reveal certain things to, but as time passed, I’ve learned that I can’t really reveal nothing to those people either. Not that they go around blabbing my business or anything, but some things just aren’t the business of others. I remember a times in previous relationships, when things went wrong I would go calling my “best friends” or people who I considered “good friends” and I’d vent. Not really thinking about the implications or how that would affect whatever relationship that I was in. I was only looking at things from my own perspective. It didn’t dawn on me that some people liked to play both sides of the fence. Like I said, I considered these people trusted sources; people that I confided in.

Not to make myself out to be so innocent or whatever, because I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t engage in this behavior myself. It doesn’t matter whether or not I was revealing extra sensitive information or not, even though I rarely did, but it was unauthorized disclosure of information nonetheless. I can’t take it back, nor can people take back the things that they told me. But I have learned that I got to keep things close to the chest. Like I tell students when I’m teaching network security: If you want to keep your information safe or your network secure, just unplug from the internet. As long as you’re connected to the public (network/internet) your information will be always be susceptible or vulnerable to attack, interception or unlawful disclosure (little geek analogy).

Now, there’s some people in the world that have a genuine concern about what’s really going on. They just want to be there because they feel like that’s what a friend should do. Or they do things because they want to help out. And I agree, to a certain extent. Friends should be able to discuss things that are going on, if that’s the nature of your friendship. But this takes me back to another post I wrote on boundaries; when a persons situation changes, so changes the nature of things. Things that were previously discussed or things that were previously done may have to be curbed. Sometimes your efforts in helping others, as noble as they may be, can wind up making a bad situation worse. You have to learn to holster things in this life.

But, there are some pitfalls to it all. Well maybe pitfalls is too strong of a word, let’s say there are things to consider when you holster things or “fall back”, as some people put it. There’s the chance that by falling back, you may lose a sense of yourself. Now, this really depends on what you’re falling back from. For example, if you are in a new relationship, falling back from certain people is actually a good thing (especially if the nature of those relationships, friendships or acquaintanceships can be detrimental to things that are currently happening). But if you ever feel like you’re losing your identity in a situation I recommend taking a deeper look within and asking yourself what’s more important: “losing yourself” or “losing altogether”?

Sometimes you think you can’t win from losing, but you must understand what you ultimately risk losing before you declare yourself a winner.

Some parts of your being may not actually be healthy for you to sustain. I’ll use myself as an example. When I was single, I had a lot of “friends” (using that term rather loosely) of the opposite sex. Contrary to belief, I wasn’t messing with all of them on a physical level; hell I wasn’t even attracted to 90%, not on a physical level at least. I just liked to engage in conversation, playful banter and so on. Now when I got involved with someone, that type of activity should have stopped. For the most part I felt like I did, but as I look back on things, I realized that I slipped up a few times. But overall, I know if I want my relationship to be successful, that I have to try harder at it. I have to continue to be mindful of what comes out of my mouth or what I say in public forums; that even goes for my blog.

The whole thing about falling back too is that it’s not an automatic process, not for everybody at least. Change takes time. During that time, things may occur that exhibit past behaviors or activities. Like when I quit smoking back in 2009, I did it cold turkey. I slipped once or twice smoking a cigarette here and there, but for the most part I didn’t revert completely back to smoking. I get the urge so much to pick up a cigarette and puff away, but I don’t do it.

Recently, somebody said something to me that had me thinking. It was something on the lines of knowing what not to engage in. Sometimes we just do things without thinking them through. It’s not that people lack self-control; sometimes they just get caught up in the moment. Yeah, it can be looked at as an excuse of some sort or a cop out, but the benefit of the doubt should be given to some folk.

If I were to really cop out or stick my head in the sand, then I wouldn’t be challenging myself to really change at all. I chose to do that a few times, like deleting MySpace a long time ago, recently deleting Facebook and now I’ve recently thought about getting off of Twitter (but I’m not going to). I don’t talk to a whole gang of people for that matter, no calls, no texts, etc. My initial thought about all that is simple, if I do nothing at all, if I don’t even expose myself to certain things, then I won’t have to worry about getting caught up in anything. But what would I be accomplishing by completely isolating myself?

Sure, I have my blog if I want to vent or something, but there’s only a few people who actually take the time to read it. I don’t receive much feedback anymore, but still I write (I actually feel like Leon Phelps in Ladies Man, the scene where he walks in the bar and the character Lester, played by Billy Dee, is narrating a story and Leon says something to the effect of it’s the same five or six people in here that you talking to…  Well I thought it was relevant… And rather funny too *thumbs nose*).

But I write because, as I have mentioned on many occasions, it’s therapy for me. I don’t write every intimate detail of my life; I don’t possess a diary, but this blog is something like my journal. I just like to write. I love to share my thoughts, I love to converse, I feel like I have a voice, something to say to the world. It’s a way that I feel like I can connect with the world around me. Maybe somebody, somewhere will be motivated or influenced (hopefully in positive way) to go forth and do something different in their life; look at things in a different light, hell, maybe even look at me in a different light (not that it truly matters, but…). I don’t necessarily need to Facebook or be on any other social network, but I do it anyway. I may have said that I wouldn’t be on any social networks anymore, but as I asked before, what am I accomplishing by isolating myself? Just got to have more presence of mind to not engage in certain things.

I’m just in a much different place in my life than I once was. I’m actually excited about what the future may bring for once. I know that it’s not going to be an easy ride, but I don’t plan on getting off the road or switching lanes. I’m recommitting myself to live life, to being a better father, to allowing myself to love and be loved in return. But I also have to continue to be mindful of what I do right now because what I do now, how I conduct myself in the present will determine, well not ultimately determine but play a significant role in what tomorrow may bring (cause tomorrow isn’t guaranteed)……

As always, I’ll still luv ya tomorrow……


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