Reflection is the business of man; a sense of his state is his first duty: but who remembereth himself in joy? Is it not in mercy then that sorrow is allotted unto us? ~ William Shakespeare
So I woke up this morning with a lot of looming thoughts. For me, being on the road by myself is a gift and a curse. It’s a gift because it gives me time to think; allows me to stop for a moment and reflect. But too much time left to my own thoughts can leave me in a worse state than I was to begin with. It also doesn’t help when you’ve been diagnosed with mild anxiety disorder and have had issues with alcohol use in the past.
But I’m not worried about the former; my alcohol consumption is nowhere near the levels that it was once was at. When I had issues in my life, I used to attempt to drown them out with the booze. At the moment it all seemed better until that one thought came across which triggered a rather emotional event. Sometimes they were happy and joyous events, filled with uncontrollable laughter and blissful feelings. But for me, most of the time, it was rage, sadness, despair and every other negative emotion you can think of.
More times than not I would be myself when these events were triggered; which was probably a good thing. It’s not like I was destructive, at least not to anybody but myself. I wasn’t belligerent, loud or disorderly but I definitely became a different person; somebody far from the reserved and level headed individual that I project to the world on a daily basis.
I’ve done the AA meetings, the group counseling sessions, the one on one counseling sessions. None of these things really worked for me. After hearing so many depressing stories in an AA meeting, it made you want to grab a drink. At the same time, some stories did give me pause; made me consider what’s really at risk if I were to continue down this particular path. But even in saying all that, I never felt as if my drinking was bad, especially when compared to another person’s consumption levels.
Today I deal with things a lot better than I once did. While I haven’t completely stopped drinking, I have found other ways to cope. I write, listen to music, read other blogs, articles, etc. It doesn’t exactly curb my anxiety but if my hands are busy typing that means I’m less likely to have a drink in my hand.
Anyway, that’s not what I really wanted to write about this morning, but it felt good to get it out nonetheless. I have some deeper thoughts going on, but I have yet to find the words that describe the struggle that is going on inside of me. Rest assured when I do though, it may very well be the turning point of my life; good, bad or indifferent….
I’ll still luv ya tomorrow….